Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Solving a traffic jam
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.