In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
How to woo a woman
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
i hate you platonically
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.