I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
that wasn’t the question
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.