What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud