Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
You Might Also Like
Good dog. ❤️
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
🛁
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do