Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You Might Also Like
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Free him
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.