COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X