This is my emotional support knife.
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spicy snake
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Same pineapple, same
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.