my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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oh you wanna fight?!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.