since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.