My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes