Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
next level snooze
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.