[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.