Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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apparently this year was written by stephen king
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*