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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Come back with a warrant