Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works