I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
so weird how every mom was born today
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun