She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
You Might Also Like
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend