I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Never let them know your next move 😂
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.