My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.