“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.