[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.