My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.