#Caturday
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?