Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?