Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
You Might Also Like
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.