How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning