Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands