“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
what?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: