You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
You Might Also Like
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds