Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister