I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.