*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.