[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…