You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows