Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
lol
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me