They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Match dot com, but for socks.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.