asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you