Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
You Might Also Like
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you