Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.