When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
ㅤ A R G H
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I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher