The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.