Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“I’m helping” 😅
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Basketball