You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
You Might Also Like
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being