Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt