[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
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[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me in tagged photos
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.