Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week