Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool