Möther may I have a snäck
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.