Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication